Are you ready to welcome love into your life? I’m not talking about falling in love. Falling in love – the stage in a relationship that psychologists call “limerence” – is easy. The initial attraction to another person is a necessary part of developing relationships; but healthy love relationships progress beyond limerence and develop into true, committed and often life-long relationships. How do you tell the difference between the two?
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.” It refers to the heady early days of a relationship when bliss, euphoria and the newness of love seem to make the world a brighter and warmer place. As relationships develop, one of three things happens to limerence: it bursts when something about the love object disappoints or disillusions you; it grows stronger, becoming an unhealthy obsession; or it transforms into real love, becoming the cornerstone of a happy and fulfilled life together.
In order for limerence to develop into a healthy love, you must be ready to allow that to happen. Just as you need to prepare the soil in a garden for a seed to grow into a plant, you have to prepare the conditions in your life – mentally and physically – to allow love to grow into a happy relationship. Preparing yourself and your life to welcome love requires you to examine yourself, your attitudes and your life, and to make changes that make your “garden” a more hospitable environment in which love can grow. You must work on developing the four cornerstones of love in yourself and practice applying them to every relationship in your life. Without that practice, you’ll find yourself attracting the wrong people, or worse, fail at developing a relationship you really want because you don’t know how to do it.
The Four Cornerstones of Love: Trust, Honesty, Faith, Respect
Practice opening yourself to trust. We live in a cynical world. It’s far too easy to look for the “catch” in every good thing that happens. It’s easy to spend so much time looking for the motives behind people’s actions that you fail to appreciate what they have to offer you. It’s difficult to trust in anyone when you’ve been hurt or disappointed, but it’s vital to open yourself to it unless you want to live your life and destroy your relationships with a constant cloud of suspicion. That doesn’t mean you should be a doormat, but everyone deserves your trust until you’re shown they can’t be trusted.
Be honest in your dealings with others. Trust – mutual trust – is an essential part of building healthy relationships. If you want trust from others, you must offer them honesty. Keep in mind that there’s more to honesty than telling the truth. It means representing yourself honestly in your deeds and in your life as well.
Be faithful in your relationships. Faith is built on a foundation of trust, respect and honesty. When you are truthful and honest with others, they can have faith that you will act in a certain way. If you break that faith, relationships suffer.
Treat those around you with respect. You cannot love someone truly when you do not respect them, nor expect someone to love you if you don’t offer respect to them. Listen and hear what they say to you, and respond to them honestly.
You may have noticed that the four cornerstones of love are nearly circular. They weave in and out of each other to build a firm and solid foundation on which you can build strong, loving and long relationships.
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